The Right Relationship Questions to Ask.

I know I've said this before … but it’s so important, I’m going to say it again … Michael Web, a well-known relationship coach, says; “83% of divorces would not happen if couples would just learn to understand each other”.


We think we know this other person and most often we really don’t … because we don’t ask questions or we just don’t listen because we are so focused on what we already think, that we don’t allow any room in our small brains for new thoughts and ideas from someone else. Sorry for the sarcasm.

It’s amazing how many people date, get married and never ask the right questions to learn who is this person really is … and then wonder why their marriage doesn't work.

The questions below are critical questions so you will really know who this other person is.

Knowing the answers to these questions may save you a lot of heartache and pain.

These are questions to help you in your quest to really understand this other person. I've editorialized many of the questions for better understanding so I’m putting all the questions in bold italics so you can refer to them more easily later.

Use your own personal style in asking these questions. Don’t be adversarial and abrasive.

For example; it’s not a good idea to say; so, are you a drug addict? Instead, you might want to say something like this; did you ever try Marijuana when you were younger? A lot of people have and it doesn’t make them a bad person … but exploring this path and listening to see how they respond helps you to get a clearer picture of who they are.

Have you ever read a book about love and relationships? … If not, are you willing to? Statistics say that more people fail at relationships than make it. 50% of marriages end in divorce and 50% of the people who stay married are miserable. So, really, that's 75% of all love relationships fail or are in serious trouble. Not good odds.

The good news is that making love work isn't that hard ... the bad news is, most people think they already know how so don't they bother to learn how.

I think it’s a big red flag when someone thinks they know enough about love and relationships that it’s not necessary to learn a few things from the experts. Making love work is one of the most important things in our lives.

What do you like to do for fun? Sharing the same interest in having fun is the # 1 thing that keeps couples together happily for the long term. Many people don’t believe this is true but remember every date you have ever been on is centered around sharing a good time together, so when you get married and quit having fun times together, what do you think will happen?

What are your hobbies? Shared interests aside from your careers, is incredibly important to sharing a happy life together. Couples often have separate hobbies, and that's OK but the more pleasant things you do share in common, the better your relationship will be.

Do you need some alone time when you are stressed? Or do you need to talk about it with someone you trust? This is an indicator of introversion or extroversion (which is not how outgoing you are as many think) You can be a social introvert or a quiet extrovert.

You may think this is a trivial question but it’s not. Understanding this issue is one of the most important issues to understanding your partner so you can live in harmony.

I can’t write what you need to know about this in a sentence or two, so click on the fallowing links, or type them into your browser;  & also;  These pages will give you a little more insight into the differences I'm talking about but you would need to watch the 6 part video series to get more of a full understanding if you haven't done that yet.

There are few things that will make a bigger difference in your love life than understanding this about yourself and your partner and learning why.

Do you belong to a church? Most people will tell you how important this is to them when you ask it.

Remember, the divorce rate is the same whether you belong to a church or not. I want to stress that the important point here is being matched in your beliefs ... and this is more than your religious beliefs ... it's about how you make sense of the world, including politics if that's important to you

Did your parents belong to a church? I worked with a young couple who married at age 19 and 20. He came from an Atheist family and she came from a Jehovah Witness family. They both knew this but when they had a little baby girl … life became a little more serious. She wanted to raise their child as a Jehovah Witness which was a shock to him. This caused an enormous amount of contention between them.

This is why you need to discuss in depth your beliefs about how to raise kids.

How do you make sense of the world or what beliefs do you live by? Get into this in depth.

It’s pretty important to find out what’s really important to this other person you are interested in.

If you found a wallet in a parking lot, what would you do with it?

Did you go to college?

How important do you think making love is in a marriage? A kiss is an unmistakable expression of love … making love (sex) is a far more intimate expression of sharing love. Draw your own conclusions here.

How often do you think 2 people who love each other should have sex?

Do you smoke? Smoking will not keep 2 people from loving each other but when one of you does not smoke, it can become a nasty wedge between you.

Do you drink? ... and if so … how much and when? It doesn’t matter so much what the answer is here … it matters what your values and beliefs are so that you can intelligently judge how well you fit with each other.

What kind of things irritate and frustrate you the most? For example; hearing and watching someone eat with their mouth open drives me nuts.

Do you think it’s more important to take care of yourself first and focus on achieving the things you want in life or do you think it’s more important to build deep connections with people who you want in your life? Make this an open-ended question and you can learn a lot from listening to what they say. 

What are you the most proud of in your life?

What have you done that you wish you would have done better?

These are not questions that have a right or wrong answer but rather give you incredible insight into answering the question, who is this person … and tells you how well you may fit together.

I’m sure you would rather not be married for 10 years when you finally come to the conclusion that you don’t fit … and then go through a painful divorce that leaves you with the feeling you wasted 10 years of your life. So, ask the right questions so you won't ever have to go through that.

I will add more relationship questions from time to time. If you have a good fun relationship question that you think would be helpful, send them to me from my contact page. Other readers will appreciate it.

I hope the relationship advice I have given you here will help you to cultivate love in your life that is satisfying and lasting.

Be inquisitive and continue the spirit of this exercise … this may help you find the love of your life and very well may avert one of your biggest mistakes.